


remember when your potential was a promise, instead of a regret?

by Princex_N



Category: Takin' Over the Asylum
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Conversations, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Families of Choice, Friendship, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-04 20:48:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20477246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princex_N/pseuds/Princex_N
Summary: Fergus didn't get a chance to jump off the tower. He and Campbell talk in the aftermath.





	remember when your potential was a promise, instead of a regret?

**Author's Note:**

> i'm here to right the wrong that canon did over 20 years ago
> 
> title is from [this A Softer World comic](http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=1224)

Fergus didn't jump, and he can't tell if he regrets it yet or not.

He's been leaning towards yes, but it's hard to say for sure.

What happened is this: Fergus escaped to the top of that tower with every intention of diving straight off of it. He'd done it just last week, after all, the only difference would be that this time he wouldn't have that hang glider there to catch him. That was fine. That was the point. 

It didn't matter anymore whether or not the doctor had ruined everything on purpose. It didn't matter that, with a single phone call, she had destroyed all of the hard work Fergus and everyone else had put into getting him that job. It didn't matter that she had ruined his chances at a normal job, a normal _life_, but still seemed to insist that he was normal enough to leave the hospital. Leave the hospital to go and live as one of her personal lab rats. None of it mattered.

Because at the root of the issue was this: Fergus is always going to be too crazy for the normal people, and there is _nothing_ he can ever do to change their minds. 

Whether it's doctors, or employers, or hospital administrators. It doesn't matter. As _soon_ as they find out he's a loony, any opinion they had of him and his capabilities gets driven down into the dirt. They don't even have to _meet_ him to make it so. Someone who saw him installing electronics just fine, who believed his judgement about the kinds of equipment needed to keep things running smoothly, suddenly believes he can't be trusted with any of it the second they find out his diagnosis. A doctor he's never _met_ before, much less spoken to for more than a couple of minutes at a time, suddenly knows how capable he is of working a regular job with typical responsibilities (a job he'd handled just fine for a _year_ before he'd been hospitalized). An employer who had been impressed with his CV and interview suddenly losing all belief that he would work well as a good employee.

Fergus is never going _anywhere_ because other people won't let him.

This time it doesn't feel like a _symptom_. This isn't messages hidden in scraps of paper on the street or threats whispered into his ears in the middle of the night, not a stone-cold belief that persists despite any lack of evidence. No, this is nothing _but_ evidence, proof given time and time again that this is _real _and going to keep happening. Proof that there is absolutely nothing Fergus can do about it.

It's not paranoia if it's just fact.

So, Fergus had stopped only long enough to steal and install the mixing desk, to prove that he could do it, do it _right_ and do it the best, and to make sure that it wouldn't go anywhere. A gift and a goodbye and a stubborn act of spite all in one. There wasn't time for anything like a note, and Fergus had never been good with words anyway. He only had his actions, the only thing he'd ever really had, and that was going to have to be good enough.

Then he had gone to the tower to jump.

If he couldn't go anywhere without having other people try and corral and control him, then he was just going to have to make sure that he was far enough away that none of them could ever touch him again. If they were determined to make sure that he never controlled any part of his life, then the only way to escape was to make sure that there was nothing left for _them_ to control either.

The only thing Fergus hadn't anticipated was Campbell.

Truthfully, he had been trying not to think about Campbell after that conversation with the doctor. Fergus had rather been thinking about his anger and the steel determination it had given him. That was all he'd needed. He'd been trying not to think about potential regrets because he hadn't cared about the. Escaping once and for all was the only thing that he _could_ care about.

And then Campbell had shouted his name.

Fergus may have been willing to chase that impulse all the way to the ground floor cement, but Campbell's presence had put one hell of a wrench into it. 

Jumping on his own had been one thing but jumping where Campbell could see was another.

(The mixing desk had been for him. Campbell was _going_ to go places because he was too much of a stubborn bastard to do anything else. Fergus had to make sure the desk was installed and installed _right_ because Campbell needed it if he wanted to get out of this place in a way that Fergus was never going to be able to. He hadn't trusted that anyone else was going to do it right, and he had to make sure that it was. It was the least he could do.) 

He'd hesitated, trying to weigh the risks and benefits to try and tell whether or not the escape would be worth it after all, and that had been long enough for them to catch up with him. Fergus had hesitated just long enough for Eddie to grab him around the waist and pull him off of that ledge, and Fergus still can't tell if he hates the older man for it or not.

He hadn't fought them when they'd dragged him back down to the hospital. There hadn't been much of a point, especially not when Fergus could see Campbell there hovering in the background, the same angry-helpless look on his face he got every time Fergus got manhandled, shaking like a fucking leaf.

Fergus is tempted to say that it's not fair, but that's never been anything new.

They haven't been telling him much since then. He knows they've renewed his section, and Isabel had come through to say that they'd switched his primary doctor back to his previous one and taken him out of the other woman's study. He supposes that's better than nothing, but also knows that it doesn't really change much.

There's still never going to be a chance of Fergus just being able to live normally.

He's been considering trying again but isn't sure if it's even worth the trouble. The whole point of being here is that it's nearly impossible for him to get his hands on something that will hurt him, and he doubts that escaping is going to be as easy as it had been. They'd been more or less looking the other way for almost six months, once they'd figured out that he'd always come back, but after this stunt he's going to be lucky if he ever gets any degree of privacy again.

(They might not even let him back into the radio station now.) 

It's funny that they all tell him he has paranoid delusions when it really does just seem as if they're all out to get him, ruin his life, and leave him helpless.

(But Fergus thinks of Campbell, who's nineteen now but still stupidly young, and whose parents are still pieces of shit. What would have happened to Campbell if Fergus had jumped? It would be easy to say that Eddie could replace Fergus almost seamlessly, but the difference is that Eddie still gets to go home at the end of the day. And even if they are friends now, Campbell still performs for Eddie in a way he hasn't for Fergus in almost a year now. It's different. Not quite the same, not in the ways that matter.) 

(Some things are still worth protecting.) 

Fergus had known to be expecting it, but when they do finally let Campbell in to visit, he still feels something inside of him shrink away. 

(They've already seen each other at their worst but this feels even worse than that somehow.) 

"How are you feeling?" Campbell asks, and Fergus shrugs, because it's not really like _he_ knows. Campbell just nods, "Yeah, that's fair." The words have the air of a joke, but Campbell doesn't smile.

They let the silence sit for a minute, as Fergus stays where he is on the bed and Campbell roams around the small room with an exhausted restless energy. Fergus isn't going to ask, but he still wonders: has Campbell been sleeping? Has he been eating?

"I'm glad you're alive," Campbell says finally.

He doesn't say 'I'm glad you're okay', they both know better than that. Campbell understands the difference. He's more considerate than other people assume.

(Fergus has never seen Campbell actively try to kill himself, but he _has_ seen him not try to survive. Hours and days of refusing to get out of bed and refusing to eat or drink until they'd had to string him out on IV fluids and medications until he didn't have a choice but to let them feed him. High out of his mind on manic energy and picking fights with anyone remotely stronger than him, leering too close to windows and staircases, laughing in mocking delight at anyone who told him to be careful. Campbell _understands_, even if most people wouldn't think it just by looking at him.) 

Fergus shrugs. "I'm not sure if I am," he admits, which is more than he's told anyone else so far.

He doesn't know if he wants the words to hurt Campbell or not. It's still the truth, but there are ways to wrap it up nicer than Fergus had. He doesn't know if he wants to see the blow land, to see Campbell flinch or not, but either way, the teenager doesn't. 

"Well then, I'll just be grateful for you," he says firmly. "Until you can too." He finally stops his circuit around the room to sit at the edge of Fergus's bed, kicking his legs back and forth. "Even if you never do." 

Fergus doesn't know what to say to that. He doesn't say anything at all.

"Francine told me about your job," Campbell continues. "And I pestered Isabel until she told me about your doctor." They both know that Isabel probably could have withstood a lot more of Campbell's pestering than she did, and that she only told him the truth because she wanted to. "It's not fair. You would've done great at that job. They should have given you a chance to prove it. I'm sorry they didn't." Campbell doesn't wait for Fergus's response, either because he can't stop himself from talking or because he knows that Fergus won't be able to. "Isabel told me you'll be here for a while again. Stuck with me for a while longer, eh? I still have a few weeks until they think about letting me out again. I don't know what they decided for you, but if you want I can fake another setback and we can stay together until we figure something else out. My dad threatened to section me just a couple weeks ago, you know; wouldn't take hardly anything." 

"I wouldn't ask you to," Fergus points out.

"If you wanted it, I wouldn't make you," Campbell replies without hesitation. "Even if I didn't, I'd still figure something else out for us. Eddie and I got good news from the station we went to see that day. They liked our pilot, and I think we have a good chance of getting a proper sign-on, even if Eddie won't think about it yet. Once we do, then I'll have a proper job, and if they're willing to hire _me_, then I bet I could get them to hire you too. You're the only one that kept that mixing desk together, you know? The whole thing would've fallen apart if you hadn't been there. That station would be lucky to get you. Then you could prove you could go back to your regular work and they'd have to take you on."

"My parents won't take _me_ back," he continues, "so I'll find a place of my own, and once ou get out you can come live with me instead of living like some bloody lab rat for that woman to poke at every once in a while. Maybe Rosalie will stop trying to get her bastard husband to be nice to her again, and she can come live with us too, instead of in one of those residential places that'll drive her back to this hospital again. Then things will all work out." He trails off but doesn't really falter. "Maybe none of it will. Maybe you and Eddie are right, and this is just as good as it gets. Even if it all stays like this, I'll still be grateful that you're still around." 

Campbell turns to look at him properly, and Fergus has no idea if the sharp ache in his chest and throat are translating onto his face or not.

"You're my best mate," Campbell tells him. "My _best_. Might've been stuck here forever if I'd lost you like that, you know? Brothers." He nods sharply at the declaration. "I'm glad you didn't get a chance to jump." 

Fergus doesn't know if he can say that he's grateful to be alive, but he _can_ say something else. 

"I'm glad you didn't get a chance to see it." _That_ he does know. Fergus might still wish he'd hit that pavement, but the thought of Campbell being there to see it all happen makes him sick. The older Fergus gets the younger Campbell seems. Maybe no one deserves to have to see something like that happen, but Campbell definitely shouldn't ever have to.

It doesn't feel like enough, but it still makes Campbell beam at him.

"That's a start!" he says brightly, and Fergus can't tell if it's faked or not but maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe they're both just faking for each other, faking for themselves. Faking it until they make it _somewhere_. Maybe that's as good as they'll ever manage to get.

(But maybe Campbell is right. Maybe there's still somewhere they can go that isn't just rock bottom. Maybe there's still a ladder out there somewhere. One that _won't_ get ripped out of their hands just as they're finding their footing on the first rungs. Maybe they still have a chance.) 

(Maybe one day Fergus will be grateful to still be around to chase it.) 

(Fergus has never really believed in god, never put much stock into prayer or faith because he knew all about disappointment and waiting for relief that would never come. But still, for some reason, when Campbell says things will work out, Fergus believes him. After all, if anyone was stubborn enough to make it all happen, it'd be Campbell.) 

(Maybe Fergus doesn't _have_ to believe that everything will work out fine. As long as Campbell is still around, he'll believe it enough for the both of them.) 

**Author's Note:**

> the timeline in this show is hard to figure out, but i'm doing my best
> 
> [my tumblr](http://www.princex-n.tumblr.com)


End file.
